That Crazy Little Thing Called Love

by Mary Keogh, Registered Psychotherapist, Adelaide Health Clinic.

As a Registered Psychotherapist, I spend a fair amount of my work talking with clients about love in all its forms. Romantic love, self-love, the love people desperately want from others, and the love they quietly withhold from themselves. It is my belief that if love were a ride at Canada’s Wonderland it wouldn’t be the gentle carousel. It would be the one with the warning sign, the height requirement, and the person looking green near the exit. 

Love has ups and downs because we as humans do. Why we may well ask?  Fair question. We bring our histories, our bruises, our expectations, and our questionable coping skills into relationships, and we hope chemistry will magically cancel them out. The hard truth is it doesn’t. At the start, love feels expansive. We’re curious, generous, and suddenly very good listeners. Then real life shows up. Stress, misunderstandings, and old emotional wounds rear their ugly heads.   Love doesn’t disappear at this stage; it just stops being shiny, exciting, and new. This is usually the point when people ask, “Is something wrong?” and some even run for the hills. Often the answer is no, there is nothing wrong. We’ve just left the honeymoon phase and entered the “now we actually have to relate to each other” phase. 

The down moments in love aren’t failures. They’re data or information.  They show us where we’re afraid, where we need reassurance, and where we’re expecting someone else to heal something they didn’t break. Conflict, disappointment, and even boredom can be part of healthy love, even though social media would suggest otherwise. The goal isn’t to avoid these moments but to learn how to stay present and grounded without getting defensive or attacking, withdrawing, or drafting a dramatic breakup speech in our head after one awkward or hard conversation. 

This is when self-love enters the chat, usually misunderstood and often accompanied by a big eye roll and even a sigh or groan. Self-love isn’t only a bubble bath, and affirmations that are shouted into the mirror (though we’re all welcome to try). It’s the quieter, harder work of knowing our limits, and recognizing what our emotional wounding may be that is looking for attention and healing. This is our work and not our partners.  We all have a right to have our needs, to voice our needs, and stand up for our needs – often we make assumptions that others should know them without us ever voicing them – they don’t; love does not make any of us mind readers!  Our work is noticing when we are chasing love to feel worthy instead of sharing the act of loving and being loved because we know already, we are worthy, just because we exist.

People often worry that self-love will make them selfish. It doesn't; it tends to make them less needy and less resentful. When we soothe ourselves, name our feelings, and tolerate the discomfort of hard feelings, we don’t need our partner to be our therapist, parent, or emotional support dog. We get to meet them as another imperfect human rather than a solution or band aid to our pain. 

Love, at its best, is not constant happiness. It’s repair after rupture. It’s choosing curiosity over defensiveness. It’s learning that we can be deeply connected and can still occasionally annoy each other just by breathing too loudly. And self-love is what helps us stay grounded when love feels uncertain, so we don’t chase, panic, cling, or shut down. 

If there’s one thing I want everyone to know, it’s this: struggling in love doesn’t mean we are bad at it. It means we are human and imperfect.  Our work is not to perfect love, or to be perfect at it, but to show up in all our humanity, warts and all. It’s also knowing that our work is to do our own work and not outsource it to others. Trust me, I know.  

Want to know more about how Psychotherapy can assist you?  

If any of what I have said in this blog resonates with you, please know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to ask for support. If you have been thinking about therapy or are simply looking for a safe place to talk and be heard, I would welcome the opportunity to support you. I am here.  

'To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.' - Oscar Wilde 

About the Author 

Mary Keogh is a Registered Psychotherapist who practices at the Adelaide Health Clinic. She sees individuals aged 18 and older in her practice. Mary specializes in helping individuals manage stress, emotional challenges, complicated relationships (romantic, workplace, friendships or family of origin) and difficult life transitions, particularly in women’s health. 

Want to know how therapy can support your mental well-being? 

Book a 15-minute complimentary consultation with Mary Keogh and start the conversation on how she can support you today.